I wrote this a while ago, thought I’d publish it here.
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I don’t want to care for you – although I accept that may come into things later on – I want to care about you.
I don’t want to look after you, but to look out for you.
I don’t want to stop you doing the things that you love. I’d quite like it if I was one of things you loved and also one of the things you did (in all ways). But only one of those things.
I don’t want to control or dominate, to take over your life or restrict your passions and activities. Instead I want to support and enable, to be a part of your life and share your passions.
I’d like to be intimate and devoted, but not in each other’s pockets.
Traditional relationships [clearly] haven’t worked out for me either. But it’s not the relationship part I want to reject, but the traditional construct of it.
Caring, support, passion, intimacy are all very positive things – but they don’t need to take time or even [much] energy.
I want you to be a better you because we are together and supporting each other. I want to be a better me for the same reason. I don’t want you to be less of yourself or do less of what makes you you.
We both lead busy lives and I don’t want to live yours for you – to be honest I’m not sure I have the time to live all of mine right now.
A relationship shouldn’t be restrictive, it should be enhancing and empowering. It shouldn’t impinge on your life, but help it to grow. One of my favourite pop lyrics is “You make me happy when I was happy to start with.” Relationships shouldn’t be about trying to fix each other. You’re not broken. And even if you are, that’s what makes you you. I don’t want to be fixed, but rather have my flaws acknowledged and loved anyway.
A relationship should be about love. Love for each other [hopefully], but it should never reduce the love for ourselves. Sometimes, in the best situations, it can actually help to uncover, nurture and highlight the things about ourselves that we should be loving and help us to do so.
At no time will I put finding (or maintaining) a relationship ahead of me and ahead of some of the other life commitments that I already have. If a relationship isn’t working out, if it isn’t performing to the checklist above, if it isn’t making me a better me, then it will go.
I can survive without a relationship. I am surviving without a relationship. But I do more than survive when I’m loved – and ultimately that’s all I want from a relationship: to be loved. We can work out the rest of the details as we go along.